● Embrace the messiness of feeling distant from your partner.
In all our relationships, particularly with our partner, we constantly move between feeling close and distant. This is the dynamic and energy of love. Do not be scared of distance. It invites us to reflect on where we are in our relationship and on the parts of our life that compete for our attention.

● Finding time means scheduling time, no matter how unromantic it feels.
We often think that when in "love," our actions should feel spontaneous and not obligatory. This separation between what I "have to do" from what I "want to do" is one way we deflect taking responsibility for our choices. One of those obligations is to make time to develop our relationship.

● Set aside time every week to do things you mutually like, things your partner likes, and things that will stretch both of you.
One reason we let our relationships slide is because they become boring. The defining qualities of a good relationship are dependability and security, but they are a double edge sword. Breaking old habits, unpredictability, and even insecurity offer essential energy for growing new levels of intimacy. Discover one new fact about your partner each week.

● Sometimes quality can trump quantity.
Getting closer to your partner is not only about carving out time; sometimes quality can take the place of quantity. Many acts that take very little time but express genuine attention to your spouse can do wonders. There are many small things can profoundly strengthen relationships, including saying thank you, offering a compliment, kissing our partner goodbye, being on time, or even taking out the garbage.

● Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
We are led to believe that only way we can really love someone is if we understand them. We freak out when we don’t. But it turns out it’s really the opposite. The only way we can understand someone is by loving them. So give the other person the benefit of the doubt.

● Find the balance.
As long as we feel the tension between obligation and spontaneity, security and insecurity, dependability and vulnerability, and working at it vs. being overwhelmed by it ─ it’s in balance. The paradox is when we don’t feel it, it isn’t. Anyone who always feels good about their relationship probably doesn’t have a very interesting one and is not sharing their uniqueness or difference. There is a time for both tension and no tension.

●A "rocket-bursting" marriage probably won’t last.
We tend to idealize relationships. We have unfair expectations that it has to feel good all the time. We all have decisions from the start. An interesting conflict on the first date could be a greater predictor of a great relationship than when we both agree on everything and it’s "love at first sight."

● You are on the continuum of relationships even if it’s just the beginning.
The same issues apply wherever you are on the continuum of relationships. Feeling distant and close are issues that will surface even on the first date. They may not have the same depth as a ten year marriage, but they will determine a second date. Inevitably, by the fifth date, distance will occur, and you have to decide if you want to continue. Intimacy is the dance between closeness and distance; it’s not just about closeness.

● If you are not in a relationship but want one, you have to carve out time.
Just as any long term relationship requires making time, you have to carve out time to find a relationship. This includes going beyond what’s comfortable, allowing yourself to feel vulnerable (even just to approach a stranger in a bar), and making it a priority — just like in a relationship. But be sure to take care of yourself in the process.

● It’s too much work.
Where are the places we say "too much work?" Anything valuable requires work. But "too much work" sounds too big. Break it down into what is easy and what is hard. Don‘t strive for perfection — that’s too much work. Figure out what is real work vs. projected work. And have fun with it!


By Rabbi Irwin Kula from Clal